Winter Walk

Oh my holy hell. I love this time of year.

I can't believe I've made it 15 days as a non-smoker. Though I thought about it a lot at first, especially because of all the scary incredibly guilt inducing dreams I was having, and the small moments of irrationality the second I woke up, wondering where my smokes were, since I'd just had a smoke, may as well get up and have another, I really haven't been thinking about smoking a whole lot. Today after a marathon shopping spree with a friend, I came home, took one look at my dirty ass car that I'd washed literally 3 weeks ago and hit the wand wash again. While waiting for the truck to vacate the only feasible spot, I threw out my ashtray. My car came with one of the ones that's attached to the dashboard (permanently) so I'd bought a $5 one at Wal Mart. That's what I threw out today. I've noticed lately that I'm smelling smoke in my car a lot more often than I was before. Now that the ashtray is gone I'm looking forward to better smells. I think at the gas station tomorrow when I get coffee, I'll get an air freshener too. Maybe it will smell like everyone else's cars for once.

Not a lot has been happening WW wise. I had a major slip up this weekend, as I got a horrid cold that even prevented me from doing my normal housework. I've been hiding under my brand new comforter that I got at, of all places, Superstore on Friday night. It's been my friend, this blanket. My cold started off as a terrible sore throat, which I assumed was strep, since my sister has had it twice in the last 2 months, but it wasn't, it was just a bad way to start off a cold. I went to the doctor instead of the gym on Friday to get my penicillin prescription, and then Saturday and Sunday I felt like ass, so I missed those days too. The only good thing to come of this weekend was some more interesting sounding recipes off the good ole internet.

Though the points were out of control, and there was little exercise this month to date, I can say that my weight is still staying in the same 10 lb range, which is a good thing. I just have to remember when I'm hungry to drink a glass of water and have an apple or orange, and if it gets no better, I can have a meal. I'm not trying to starve myself at all, I promise, I'm just not letting myself get away with these little snacks I keep 'forgetting' to write down. Summer will be here again before I know it, and I refuse to let another scorcher pass by without some serious photography outdoors while I am wearing shorts! Other than when I was in the Dominican surrounded by strangers, I never once wore shorts the entire year, and the Dominican trip was in November! That means I lasted in +40 heat in long pants! What the hell is wrong with me?!?

Either way, won't happen again.

In other news, I started a hand written diary. I have been noticing my internal monologue is keeping me up at night yet again, so I am taking all opportunities I can to get the words out on paper. That way, if there was a detail in an important conversation I had, it's a matter of time before I can look up the details and finish my thoughts. Then maybe at night I can sleep, like normal people do.

Now if only I could come up with a way to help my sister and her finances. She is drowning big time and is refusing to move to a place she can actually afford, because she doesn't want her landlords to think bad of her. Meanwhile her rent has been late once already, and each month her debt (especially her line of credit) get further and further in the red just because of that stupid rent price. She had to spend $600 on friggen tires just to be able to get to her house, the roads are that dangerous. Each month it only gets worse, each month she attracts another horrible cold/throat problem, and each month her mood dips further and further down below the even level. She's turning into who I was a few years ago, and it's scary to watch. She was always the happy sort, and it's scaring the shit outta me to watch her on this downward spiral. I hope an answer comes to her soon, because I can't stand to watch this for much longer.

Nola and Belle

This poor cat is at the vet right now. I thought she might have an infection in her mouth, turns out all her teeth are really bad and she will have to lose them ALL. She also had a fever due to the infection, which would had been caught had it not started on December 31st, when the damn vet office was closed. They want to do $170 blood work, plus give her antibiotics to ward off the infection (only $20) and then the removal of all the teeth will be "at least a couple hundred dollars" according to the vet. This is very stressful, as I was only beginning to build up my savings account again, and now it's all down the drain.

And to think, I still am not craving a cigarette. Today when I went to the gym I was surprised that I noticed how much like smoke my car smelled. I can't wait to get it detailed to get that smell, or as much of it as possible, out. This Champix is a freakin' wonder drug. Awesome.

My favourite time of year

I love this time of year. Everyone (except those who drive) are happier when not on the roads, the world looks beautiful, and it's my birthday month.

While it's true expenses raise a considerable amount in December, it's still fun. Family comes close, friends closer.

Last year at this time I was stressed out and worried about what 2007 would bring me. I should have been. I was absolutely ridiculous about my money (letting it leave my account as if there were no consequences), not making a lot in my current job, and basically not thinking any positive thoughts about the impending year. There were a lot of depressed months where I refused to go out with friends, wouldn't take phone calls, and wasn't exactly easy to deal with at work.

This year though, things have changed. I've got a decent car that I can rely on, a touch of a savings account, I've quit smoking, created a budget I can stick to, made a huge change at work, and started Weight Watchers (without attending the meetings or playing around online). I am experiencing very positive thoughts regarding this year, and I can't wait until it really gets going.

I started the new stop smoking drug 10 days ago. After the 8th day you should stop smoking and continue taking the pills. There's 2 reasons this drug has already been successful for me:

1. They gave me a 2 week starter pack and kept my prescription on file (unlike Zyban) which means I can run to SuperStore and grab the next couple of week's worth without waiting for hours at the doctor's office (BIG BIG BONUS).

2. Instead of just hoping it will work by making you happier than normal (like Zyban) this drug actually helps you quit! It stimulates the nicotine receptors in your brain and then immediately blocks them, taking away whatever pleasure you derived from a cigarette, this making smoking eventually become pointless.

The only thing with this drug is it says on the package that it's possible to experience all the same issues when quitting cold turkey: headaches, irritability, loss of patience, troubles sleeping. My dreams went insane with vividness once I started the drug, which doesn't bother me at all. It's actually fun recounting the previous night's dream to friends the following day. Quite the insight into the human psyche. The loss of patience thing actually really isn't that bad. I really though I was very heavily addicted when I decided to stop, and thought that this would be a massive, very angry journey. But after the first day was done, I was shocked at how easy it was to not smoke.

I wasn't all that angry or irritated, or even anxious, like I felt I should be doing something, but wasn't allowed, and therefore had to sit and be agitated until the craving passed. Day 2 went well, though I had a very irrational 20 minutes. And I wasn't even that involved in freaking out, I was able to take a step back and realize I was acting silly. So rather than continue on, I took a few deep breaths and waited a couple of minutes until the feeling passed, and I was able to relax again. As well, day 2 involved hanging out with people in a public place and drinking coffee, which normally makes me want to smoke. After having coffee, we went out to dinner (also a dangerous action) and I didn't snap at anyone, I was pleasant to be around, I had a good time and didn't even think about it!

Today is day 3 and I'm not honestly sure I can even say how I'm doing. I'm thinking about smoking, but only because I'm typing this. I was thinking of trying to play some World of Warcraft while I relax this morning, but it's very cold in here, so maybe some TV is in order. Day 3 is notoriously the worst when it comes to cravings and such, but so far I'm alright. I'm not hoping for something to make me angry so I can take my frustrations out on it, and I'm actually somewhat relaxed. Though I haven't gone back to work yet (I got 15 days off from work, due back on the 7th) I am feeling conservatively optimistic that I'll be able to handle it when I get back.

I am actually sort of looking forward to going back. Normally I hate days off/vacation, as I tend to get incredibly bored, and end up longing to return to work. For the first couple of days of this vacation I was feeling that as well, but the 23rd/24th/25th hit and it was total insanity for those days. Then it was all over, and I quit smoking. It's only Tuesday, but I've taken all my Christmas decorations down, and have started the major clean up of my apartment. Almost everything is back to normal now, so I can start my year fresh and ready to handle all obstacles headed my way.